Now they're getting more specific

This morning's schoolyard insult, courtesy of my spam folder:

"what a stupid face you have here crumj"

I wonder what they're going to say next. Maybe something more sophisticated like, "You're ugly, and your mother dresses you funny."

*sigh*

Today's funny spam subject line is...

"You look really stupid crumj"

I love it when my spam insults me. Apparently cluttering my inbox causes insufficient annoyance; now the evil spammers have to chip away at my self-esteem too.

Seattle jokes

I used to live in Seattle, so I can relate to these, which were e-mailed to me years ago. The ironic thing is, most of the people I know who visit Seattle from outside the Northwest have great weather for their visit. It's just the Emerald City trying to lure them in...

---

A newcomer to Seattle arrives on a rainy day. She gets up the next day and it's raining. It also rains the day after that, and the day after that. She goes out to lunch and sees a young kid and, out of despair, asks, "Hey, kid, does it ever stop raining around here?"
The kid says, * "How should I know? I'm only 6."

---

"I can't believe it, " said the tourist. "I've been here in Seattle an entire week and it's done nothing but rain. When do you have summer here?"
"Well, that's hard to say, " replied the local. "Last year, it was on a Wednesday."

---

What do you call two straight days of rain in Seattle?
An average weekend

---

What did the Seattle native say to the Pillsbury Doughboy?
"Nice tan."

---

Meteorological experts were predicting a gargantuan rain storm that would destroy the Northwest with a flood. Rev Jessie Jackson went on national TV and said, "This is your punishment from God. Prepare to meet your Maker." The President went on national TV and announced, "Our scientists have done all they can. The end is near." The Seattle evening news came on and said, "Today's five day forecast.... - same as usual."

---

What does daylight savings time mean in Seattle? An extra hour of rain.

---

A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the gates of heaven. Others, though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile. After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan..... "Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?" "Ah, those..." Satan said with a groan. "They're all from Seattle; they're too wet to burn yet."

---

What do you call blue skies in Seattle? A 30 second time out.

Dateline Washington Part 4: The National Cathedral

I took a short break from the conference one morning and hiked up to the National Cathedral--and when I say "up," I'm not kidding. It felt like it was uphill both ways! I posted a couple of pictures of the cathedral in my first trip-related post, but now that I've uploaded all my pics, I can post a few more. The pics below are all of the cathedral itself. If you'd like to see pictures of the surrounding gardens, take a look at my garden blog, Rainy Day Gardening.

Statuary near the south entrance:


Rose window:


Stained glass window:


Got a few thousand extra dollars? Maybe you too can have a memorial sprinkler system!


Gorgeous artwork:


Inside one of the chapels on the lower level:


Unfortunately, I didn't have time to take a tour, so I didn't get to learn about all the incredible features of the cathedral. After I got back, I explored the cathedral web site a bit and learned that there was a contest in the mid-1990s for children to design a feature for the cathedral. The winner? Darth Vader! There's a Darth Vader grotesque on one of the towers; see http://www.cathedral.org/cathedral/discover/darth.shtml for more information.

Bonus question for gothic architecture geeks: What's the difference between a grotesque and a gargoyle?

Two funny things for you music fans

In the last couple days, I've run across two funny music-related things. I have neither the time nor the energy for witty commentary, so I'll just post 'em. Enjoy!

First up: a paper from Robert J. Oxoby of the University of Calgary entitled (I am not making this up): On the Efficiency of AC/DC: Bon Scott versus Brian Johnson. Spoiler alert! Here's the conclusion, in full:

The question as to who was a better singer, Bon Scott or Brian Johnson, may never truly be resolved. However, our analysis suggests that in terms of affecting efficient
decision making among listeners, Brian Johnson was a better singer. Our analysis has direct implications for policy and organizational design: when policymakers or
employers are engaging in negotiations (or setting up environments in which other parties will negotiate) and are interested in playing the music of AC/DC, they should
choose from the band’s Brian Johnson era discography.

The rest of the paper is worth a read. Who knew an economist could have a sense of humor?

Next: My good buddy Dave and I were talking about the Pink Floyd pig, which apparently went missing last month and was later found in pieces. Not being a Pink Floyd fan, I hadn't heard of their pig, so I turned to my favorite casual reference source, Wikipedia. The Pink Floyd pigs (there have been several) have their own Wikipedia entry, which is hilarious. It's enough to make one believe that Spinal Tap was a real documentary.

Notice of Revocation of Independence

I'm still combing through my e-mail archives at work, in preparation for our migration to Outlook, and I found another goodie to share. My mother used to have a pen pal in Scotland. After the 2000 election, Mom's pen pal forwarded the following bit of British humor. I responded with the text in blue below each item, which started an interesting exchange with the pen pal, who wanted me to define Little Debbies and Piggly-Wiggly, among other things. Anyhoo, I don't know if anyone else will find this funny, but I thought it was a riot. Let's hope the 2008 election doesn't prompt anything similar.

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the residents of the United States of America,

In view of your abject failure to elect a President and thus to govern yourselves, We give hereby Notice of the Revocation of your independence, effective today at Five O'Clock Greenwich Mean Time.

They forgot to tell us to look up Greenwich--and to learn it's proper pronunciation so we don't all run around calling it green-witch.

Her Britannic Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume sovereign duties forthwith over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Florida, which Shall be returned to His Illustrious Catholic Majesty, King Juan Carlos of Spain. Your new Prime Minister (The Rt Hon Tony Blair, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will suggest to Her Majesty a Governor-General for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

The CSPAN junkies will be crushed, and the rest of us won't have anything to complain about. Oh, wait--there's always British food ;-)

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed.

Fair enough as long as I don't have to punctuate every third sentence with "bloody" or "ruddy".

2. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that difficult.
True, but please tell me we don't have to distinguish London from Yorkshire from Cockney from... If you'll get rid of your regional dialects, we'll try to do something about the New Yorkers and the Southerners.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast British actors as the good guys.
Hey, Vanessa in Austin Powers was a good guy... er, girl.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour). We are hoping to get together at least an American rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in the British Empire. It will be called Indecisive Day.
Can we still blow things up? Americans don't care when their holidays are or what they commemorate, as long as we a) get the day off from work, and b) get to play with explosives.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
What makes you think he's dead? Buford R. Johnson of West Podunk, Alabama, saw him at a Piggly-Wiggly last weekend! He and Elvis were stocking up on pork rinds and Little Debbies.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Welcome Back.


Now for a few conditions before we reunite:

1. American food shall be the dominant cuisine, at least here in "the colonies". Actually, you should consider adopting American dietary habits throughout the British Empire; even pork rinds and Little Debbies are better than blood pudding and kidney pie!

2. George W. Bush must never be allowed to run for national office.

3. Please give Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi, Arkansas, Louisiana, and Texas to Spain along with Florida. You can throw in New York, too.

Dateline Washington Part 3: Monuments By Night

The night after we arrived in Washington, after a full day of sightseeing, we decided to go back to the Capital Mall in the evening to see some of the monuments at night. Several hours and many photos later, we staggered back to our hotel, completely exhausted. But it was worth it. Take a look:

Washington Monument in the waning light:

Those two red lights near the top are somehow both comical and a little creepy.

And another shot, a bit later in the evening, with the fountains of the World War II memorial in the foreground:


Fountains, part of the World War II memorial:




One of many quotes from the World War II memorial:


Lincoln Memorial against a midnight blue sky:

Amazingly enough, the Lincoln Memorial was swarming with tourists at 10 PM. Buses of teenagers disgorged their noisy, giggly contents, who proceeded to infest the both the Lincoln and Vietnam memorials. Though not exactly solemn, the teens did seem somewhat respectful in both places.

Jerry and me at the Lincoln Memorial:


I highly recommend a nighttime stroll along the Capital Mall. It's cooler and a little more sane, despite the busloads of tourists, and the monuments are gorgeous after dark.

Cute chicks

Here's the part where all the guys who got excited at the "Cute chicks" title get disappointed...

Let me introduce you to our brand new flock of chickens!


We got the three larger ones on the left last weekend--one barred rock (the black one) and two gold sex links. When we got them, they were as small as the other two--chicks grow *fast*. e also got an Araucauna, but she only lived one day. We knew she was fragile when we got her--small, with a bum foot--but we felt sorry for her, so we brought her home. The other two we got today: one Araucauna (the brown and tan one, second from right) and one Rhode Island Red (the little cutie on the far right). They're all pullets (we hope), so in a few months we should have a steady supply of eggs, as well as five hungry hens flapping and bagawking around the new chicken run in our side yard. Should be entertaining.

In the meantime, the little fluffballs are bunking with us. We have them in a plastic storage bin under a heat lamp next to the laundry hamper in our bedroom. We'll move their setup to the garage when they're a little bigger, but for now I want them where I can keep an eye on them. Our bedroom is starting to smell like a feed store, and we get to listen to cheeping all night long, but they're adorable and entertaining. What chickens lack in intelligence, they make up for in personality.

Here are a few more pics:

We nicknamed our barred rock "Houdini," because she's quite the little escape artist.


The gold sex links, who are practically inseparable:


I keep telling my husband he should enjoy this while he can. It's the only time he'll ever get to have five chicks in our bedroom ;-)

80's Music Nightmare

OK, here's the story: We're getting a new email system at work, so I'm cleaning up my email archives to get ready for the transition. While excavating 12 years of electronic junk, I ran across this fun little item. I emailed it to a few people who seemed to think it was pretty funny, so I'm posting it here. It was sent to me with no author mentioned, but whoever wrote it was pretty clever.

80's Music Nightmare

I was working part time in a five and dime. My boss was Mr.
Magee. He was six foot four and full of muscles and walked
like an Egyptian, but I was happy to be stuck with him. One
manic Monday, while I was busy working for the weekend, I
overheard him make a careless whisper.

He told two of my co-workers, Jack and Diane, that I gave
love a bad name. Well, I got so emotional, baby. I told him
to say say say what he wants, but don't play games with my
affection. He told me it was hard for him to say he's sorry
and not to worry, to be happy. Then he blamed it on the
rain. He was so out of touch. It just took my breath
away. I couldn't fight this feeling any longer. I asked
him "What's love got to do with it?" He told me to get
outta his store and his dreams and into my car.

So I figured I might as well jump. I cut footloose, went
home and called my girl, Jenny. (You already know the
number) She was on the other line with Amanda. They were
talking about Mickey and how he was so fine. That blew my
mind! Was she really going out with him? I told her that I
had just called to say I love her. She told me she had been
saving all her love for me, but now she was looking for a
new love - asta la vista, baby. I thought "I can't go for
that - no can do! Bring me a higher love!" I called up some
of my old west end girls, hoping that one of them would want
to get physical all night long (all night). First I called

Billie Jean - she told me to beat it. I called Rosanna -
her sister Christian blessed the rains down in Africa and
then hung up on me. Come on, Eileen! ... no answer. Nobody
told me there'd be days like these! I was feeling like the
owner of a lonely heart.

Then, out of the blue, my best friend's girlfriend (she used
to be mine) Roxanne calls. Yes, the real Roxanne. She told
me she still hadn't found what she's looking for and that
she wanted to take on me. I said "I thought you were
Jessie's girl." She said "Don't you want me? You don't have
to put on the red light - I'm on my own." What a feeling! I
had the eye of the tiger. Who was I f-f-f-foolin? Roxanne
drove me crazy like no one else. She's a beauty! She blinded
me with science, and weird science at that. There was always
something there to remind me of her and I just knew that I'd
have the time of my life.

I wasn't about to la-di-da-di. I jumped in my little red
Corvette and rocked down to Electric Avenue. I got my mind
set on her. When I got to her house (in the middle of her
street) I ran. I rapped on her front door and to this
rapper's delight, i heard a voice say "Who can it be now?"
"Here I am, the one that you love", I replied. I let my
love open the door and was immediately lost in her eyes. I
felt like a virgin touched for the very first time. She
loosened her blouse and said "Rock me Amadeus!" Well, I
felt it was my prerogative to bust a move. I told her "I'll
tumble for ya!" as I pinned her on the stairs, hungry like
the wolf.

Just then I felt an invisible touch on my shoulder. "Turn
around bright eyes!" said a familiar voice. As I did,
Jessie hit me with a sledgehammer of an uppercut that spun
me right round like a record. He was hangin' tough and
continued to roll with it, knocking the wind from beneath my
wings - broken wings by this time. He rocked me tonight,
for old time's sake, beating me from head to toe, until my
true colors were black and blue and blood was spilling from
my mouth like red, red wine. "You don't owe me money for
nothing!" he snarled. At this point I was livin' on a
prayer. I crawled back to my little red Corvette and drove
home thinking about how my tainted love had cut like a knife
- how it seems that every rose, truly, has its thorn. No
longer do I want to know what love is. Love stinks.

Dateline Washington Part 2: National Air and Space Museum

What's the most-visited museum in the world? The Louve? Nope. The Met? Nope. It's the Smithsonian National Air and Space Museum! Who needs Raphael and Da Vinci when you can have airplanes and rockets?

Since I'm no expert on aeronautics or astronautics, this post will contain very little actual information, other than what you just read. Instead, it'll have lots of pictures and a little potty humor. Here we go...

First, let's answer a deep, profound question:


And the answer:


Thank goodness the space station has indoor plumbing. The alternative is something I'd prefer not to think about.

Before Star Trek Voyager, a/k/a the Flying Toilet Seat (Wow... more potty humor. Dontcha love these intellectual posts?), there was Voyager, the space probe:

(No, not *that* kind of probe. That's something else I'd prefer not to think about.)

Now let's travel back in time about a century to visit those famous aviators, the Wright Brothers. Here's their first flying machine:




And some slightly less vintage aircraft:


Big ol' landing gear:




War planes:


747 as wall art:


More comfortable than a dog sled:


Thank you for flying with us today. Buh-bye!

Dateline Washington, DC

Most of the post below was written April 30, 2008, while I was in Washington, DC. Because of problems with internet connectivity, I'm just now getting around to posting it.

I’ve been in Washington, DC, since last Wednesday. I’m just now getting around to posting something, because my internet connectivity has been unreliable. It seems that the 1500+ conference attendees here at the Omni Shoreham have overwhelmed their wireless network. So instead of boring y’all to tears with a day-by-day travelogue, I’ll bore you to tears with a summary of my doings to date. But I’ll throw in some pictures to make it slightly more interesting. After all, who doesn’t love to see their friends’ vacation pictures? (yes, that was sarcasm)

I’m here for the Innovative Users Group (IUG) annual conference. I’m the IUG Secretary-Treasurer, so I have to come early to help get ready for the conference, and my workdays are pretty long while I’m here. But I get a free hotel room for the duration and lots of free meals, and everyone who knows me knows I’ll work for food. Since my hotel room is free, I decided to bring my family along. So the boys have roamed all over our nation’s capital while I’ve been… in the hotel… working. They took the DCDucks tour in World War II amphibious vehicles, while I worked the registration desk at the conference. They toured the Capitol building, while I worked the registration desk at the conference. And so on.

We came in a couple days before I had to start work, so I did get to play tourist for a little while. We spent Thursday roaming around the Capitol Mall. We went to the National Museum of Natural History and the National Air and Space Museum, then returned in the evening to view some monuments at night. Here are a few pictures from the Museum of Natural History. I’ll post the Air and Space pics as soon as I find time to upload them.

National Museum of Natural History:


Just inside the museum:


T-Rex and tasty snacks… um, I mean tourists:


Hope Diamond:


Friday we went back to Air and Space for a little while, but mostly we recovered from overdoing it the day before. Friday night I started work, and since then I’ve had very little time to do anything else. I did manage to walk up to the National Cathedral yesterday morning. I couldn’t stay very long, but at least I got to see it. I’ve included a few pics of the outside of the cathedral below. For pics of the surrounding gardens, see my post on Rainy Day Gardening.





The conference ends today. We don’t fly home till Friday morning, so I’ll have tomorrow to sightsee with the family. After that it’s a long day of air travel, then back to the old routine.

Gives a whole new meaning to "potty mouth"

OK, so I'm in the restroom at work this afternoon, when I hear someone enter the stall next to me, along with the telltale sounds of a cell phone being dialed. Sure enough, as she starts doing her business, she also starts yakking--loudly--on the phone. Sounds carry in a bathroom, magnifying her voice even more. I flush, but she goes right on yakking, even though the toilets here flush loudly, so the person on the other end had to have heard the sound.

Now I'm no stickler for decorum (OK, you don't have to agree quite so vigorously), but really... can't you even pee without talking on the phone? And wouldn't you be embarrassed to have the person on the other end of the line hear a loud FLUSH during the conversation? Have a little class, people.

And, I might add, have a little respect for other people using the bathroom. Is there nowhere we can go to escape your inane yabbering? Sheesh.

You know you live in the Northwest if...

We're getting a new e-mail system at work, moving from Groupwise to Outlook (it's about dang time). To prepare for the move, we're supposed to prune our e-mail archives, so I've been going through lots of old messages to see what I can get rid of. It's been a bit like opening a time capsule. I've found loads of old messages documenting various life events, and today I hit the mother lode: the folder of jokes and other miscellaneous stuff people sent me that I thought was worth keeping. "Aha!" I thought. "Something to post to my blog when I have writer's block!"

So tonight, dear readers, you get the first installment in my new series, "12 years of inbox clutter." Here we go...

You know you live in the Pacific Northwest if you...
- feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.
- know at least eight people who work for companies that manufacture computer parts, airplanes, or athletic shoes.
- can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese, and Thai food.
- return from a California vacation depressed because "all the grass was dead."
- know the vast difference between SBC, Torrefazone, Coffee People and Starbucks.
- take a half day every July 1 to find your sunglasses and sunscreen.
- remember the date, severity, time of day, where you were, and how long you were out of power and phone service for every winter-weather event in the last five years.
- feel guilty for days after throwing an aluminum can in the trash instead of recycling it.
- get very, very happy when the early morning weather forecast includes the term "sun breaks."
- are able to use 10 words to order a beverage the rest of the country calls "coffee."
- have ever called your insurance agent to ask if your homeowner's policy covers falling trees, flooding, or mud slides or if the number of your favorite roofing company is on your phone's speed-dial list.
- never go camping without waterproof matches, ponchos, and mattress pads that double as flotation devices.
- know more people who own boats than air conditioners.
- consider that if it doesn't have snow on it or has not recently erupted, regardless of elevation, it is not a real mountain
- complain about Californians until the day you sell your house to one for twice what you paid for it.
- find a wallet with $500 in it, return it all to the owner and refuse a reward.
- know the difference between Chinook, Coho, and Sockeye salmon.
- used to live somewhere else.
- believe swimming is not a sport but a survival skill to prevent boating deaths.
- believe swimming should only be done indoors, except in emergencies.
- own more than 10 articles of clothing that have the names of microbreweries/brewpubs printed on them. Bonus for embroidery.
- wave at people who drive Ford Explorer sport utility vehicles like yours. Basically, you just drive down the road waving.
- can point in the direction of two or more volcanoes even though you can't see them through the clouds.
- think downtown is "scary" because you were panhandled there once.
- go to work and return home in the dark in the winter, even though you only have an eight-hour work day.
- find that when the weather gets above 60 degrees, you replace your hiking boots with Birkenstock or Teva sandals.
- believe people who use umbrellas are wimps, Californians, or both.
- You are sitting at a downtown red light. The light turns green and the car in front of you does not move. You do not honk. After two more light changes, you approach the driver to ask if they need any assistance.
- you look in your closet to get dressed and you are stumped on whether to put on your fleece vest, fleece pants, or just go for the fleece jacket. Then you're stuck when you decide for the jacket and are confused about which of your six colors you should choose.

Anything (almost) is funnier with Yakety Sax

Somehow my son has discovered Yakety Sax, made famous by the Benny Hill show (which provides ample evidence that the Brits are no more sophisticated than we Yanks are, but I digress...). I came home the other night to find him blasting Yakety Sax while running around in circles. Welcome to the Twilight Zone, or maybe the funny farm. If only I'd had a video camera, I could have blackmailed him all through high school. But once again I digress.

To feed his new obsession, my son has discovered a bunch of videos on YouTube that make interesting uses of this tune. My personal favorite is The Shining:


How about some Star Wars?


Or Star Trek:


Lord of the Rings:


And finally, the incomparable Benny Hill himself:


There's even some 9-11 footage set to Yakety Sax, but even Yakety Sax can't make that funny.

The end of an era

Today was strange. It snowed most of the day. Yes, it snowed at the end of March in Portland. One of the local TV stations said this is the latest snowfall on record, the previous record being March 10, I think. We're supposed to have more snow this weekend too. Guess I won't be gardening.

Today was also the day I said goodbye to my boss, who's retiring after 32 years as our library director. 32 years. Wow. He was hired in 1976, when I was a freckly 10-year-old making red, white, and blue candles at Girl Scout camp. It's hard to imagine the library without him. The first time I worked at the library, in the early 90s, I was a student assistant, hired to catalog some historical books during the summer between years of library school. I was a freckly 24-year-old at the bottom of the org chart. Library Administration was a suite of offices on the top floor of the library, and I knew the people who worked up there must be important because a) they wore suits, and b) they had the only air-conditioned offices in the building. One day I was hunched in front of my OCLC terminal (you library types might remember those old dedicated terminals with the green text on a black background), cataloging away, when Jim came down to tell me that he was glad I was there, and my supervisor was pleased with my work. I learned my first management lesson that day: show you appreciate your staff, even (maybe especially) the ones at the bottom of the org chart.

Several years later, after my sojourn in Georgia, I returned to the library, this time as a librarian. I worked for a wonderful supervisor who could turn a freckly, rough-around-the-edges 29-year-old into a somewhat competent professional. A few years later, we went through one of our many reorganizations, and I ended up reporting to The Boss. I was a bit intimidated, but I soon realized I had a new mentor. Jim helped me gain confidence as a new manager (still freckly and rough around the edges, in case you were wondering, but not quite so young) and was endlessly patient with my questions, insecurities, and frustrations. I always knew I could go to him for advice or a reality check, and I often needed both.

We gave Jim a fine send-off. In addition to the official retirement party, a group of us filled his office with balloons and streamers last night, and we pulled together an impromptu farewell lunch today. All too soon, though, it was time for goodbye. As someone wrote on the whiteboard, it is the end of an era. I don't know what the new era will bring, but I know I'll miss Jim's part in the old one.

The book is out!

I spent the summer and fall of 2006 slaving over an article on electronic journals, which I was writing for a reference book. I submitted it at the end of November 2006, got it back with some requested changes in February 2007, made the changes, and waited. And waited. And waited even longer. A few months ago I got the author proofs for a final review, sent in my changes... and waited.

This afternoon I strolled into my office after a half-day meeting across town to find a package waiting for me. A heavy rectangular package. From my publisher. Could it be? Yes! The book is finally published! Even better, they sent me a free copy. The cover price is something like $175, and the publisher originally said that authors wouldn't get any free copies but would have to pay half price, still a chunk of change. Apparently they decided to be a bit more generous, because there was no bill enclosed with the book.

I've been showing it off all afternoon to anyone who will stand still long enough, whipping it out the way other people whip out baby pictures -- which is challenging to do with a large, hardbound reference book. Too bad it won't fit in my purse. Then I could tote it around all weekend and really annoy people. Since I can't do that, I'll show it off here:



My chapter:




Now don't you want to run out and buy a copy for a little light reading? If you do, be sure to use this link, so I can have a cut of the sale.

We academics rarely get paid for our writing. We do all that work out of sheer dedication to our field... and a line on our CVs... and the ego trip of seeing our names in print. I think I've illustrated that last point thoroughly with this post. If any of you are still reading this, thank you for indulging me. I'm going to shove my overinflated ego back in its place now, before it runs amuck and starts accosting the neighbors.

Funny quote on creativity

Tom at I'd Rather Be Writing posted a piece last week on types of blog posts. It includes the funniest comment about creativity I've encountered in awhile:

I’m hesitant to use the word “creative” because it has become a euphemism to describe someone who doodles impressively on napkins and flunks out of math.

I guess I'd better be careful describing people as "creative."

Almost spring

I've really been slacking on my blogging lately, mostly because I seem to spend all my time at work or gardening. By the time I get done working or playing in the dirt, I don't have energy left for much else, but there's dinner to cook, dishes to wash, laundry to do... you know, the endless parade of household chores that consume vast swaths of my weekend. So I don't have anything profound to say tonight, but I do have some pretty pictures. A few things are starting to bloom around here -- come see!

The marsh marigolds are in full bloom:


The planter I got for my birthday last year is looking good. I plopped in the primroses to replace something that didn't survive the winter.


I get to breathe in the heavenly scent of winter daphne as I approach my front door:


Red-flowering currant:


Flowering quince:


Crocuses:


And the gorgeous pink cymbidium orchid my husband bought my for my birthday this year, which is currently adorning my kitchen:


Even though the 10-day forecast calls for showers followed by rain followed by more showers, I can feel spring in the air. Every time I go outside, I see something else peeking through the ground, budding, or blooming, and the days are getting noticeably longer. 'Tis the season of rebirth, renewal, and hope, springing eternal.

Putting on my anal-retentive English teacher hat

I try very hard not to be a prissy know-it-all (really I do), but tonight I'm putting on my anal-retentive-English-teacher hat and giving my readers some lessons in usage and punctuation. In the last two days, I've seen several well-educated people make 4th-grade errors, and I just can't keep quiet any longer. So here we go:

Don't abuse the apostrophe!

Use an apostrophe before an "s" in a contraction, to replace the missing letter(s). Use an apostrophe for most possessives, but not possessive pronouns. Do not use an apostrophe for plurals!!!

• It's a wonderful life... till the zombies come. "It's" is short for "It is," so you use the apostrophe in place of the missing letter.
  
• The zombies chased Karen's boyfriend into an alley and ate his brain. The apostrophe in "Karen's" indicates a possessive; the soon-to-be-brainless boyfriend belongs to Karen.
  
• The zombie devoured its prey. "Its" is a possessive pronoun. That's English teacher jargon, but it means that you don't need the apostrophe, because "its" is possessive enough all by itself (kind of like that crazy guy you dated in college who followed you around and read your e-mail and stalked you... but I digress).
  
• The check's in the mail. In this classic lie, "check's" is a contraction for "check is."
  
• Now pay close attention to this one, lest I come through your computer and slap you silly for getting it wrong: No checks accepted. "Checks" is the plural of "check" (that means more than one check for those of you who, like me, graduated from Tracy High), NOT a contraction, so you do NOT need an apostrophe! Got it? Now, back to the zombies...
  
• Here's a tricky one: The zombies crashed the Smiths' party, leaving behind twelve brainless corpses and a bloodstained tablecloth. Here we have that bane of the punctuation student's existence, the brainless corpse... uh, I mean the plural possessive. Note that the apostrophe belongs at the end of "Smiths'" and is there only because "Smiths'" is a possessive. If it's only plural, you don't need the apostrophe: The party was crashed by three Smiths, all of whom were zombies.
  

If you can master these basic concepts, you'll be ahead of about 80% of the US population, including quite a few people with graduate degrees. Apostrophe abuse has become so common that someone in the U.K. formed a society to prevent it: the Apostrophe Protection Society. Please do your part to end these senseless crimes against innocent punctuation marks.

A few usage lessons

Now that I've bored everyone silly with my dissertation on apostrophes, I'll keep this part brief. If you want a thorough list of English usage errors, see Paul Brian's Common Errors in English Usage page. I bow in his general direction.

Here are two errors I've encountered recently:

• affect vs. effect: "affect" is a verb; "effect" is a noun.
• The sight of all those zombies eating my co-workers affected me deeply.
• Though the massacre was a tragedy, one positive effect of the zombie slaughter was a significant reduction in the number of meetings I have to attend.
• And, for you psychiatrists and psychologists in the crowd, "affect" can also be a noun when referring to one's mood or emotional state: Many of the people who witnessed the zombie attack exhibited flat affect for many weeks afterward... or maybe they had become zombies. It's hard to tell with some people.
  

• principal vs. principle: "Principal" can be either an adjective or a noun. In either case, it refers to the major, important, or high-ranking part of something:
• The principal reason Harold was eaten by zombies was that he tripped over an air pocket while running down a dead-end hallway.
• After he became a zombie, the principal feasted on the brains of students and teachers alike.
• "Principle," on the other hand, refers to a matter of law or belief: A zombie's guiding principle is the pursuit of brains.
  

As I encounter more usage errors, I'll post them here, relating them to zombies whenever possible.

Lunar eclipse

As I left work tonight, I had a great view of the lunar eclipse -- and I had my camera with me. I don't have a tripod, so my closeup pic is a little blurry, but it's better than nothing.

Here's the moon over Doernbecher Children's Hospital. If you look closely, you can see the eclipse in progress.


And here's the closeup:


Both of these were taken at about 6:45 PM.

Usually we miss astronomical displays like this, because it's usually cloudy. Tonight, though, it's perfectly clear, and the view is amazing.