Facebook ads are funny

I'm in Denver for some meetings, so I'm accessing the internet from my hotel. I log into Facebook and accept a gift someone sent me with one of the *many* Facebook gift apps (Do we really need so many? But that's a rant for a different post.), and I see this:



Now I've been in Denver since last night, and I've spent almost all that time in my hotel room, so I find it hard to believe that 2 people here have crushes on me and 3 people hate me. I suppose the room service person might hate me, because I was short of cash and didn't tip as well as I normally would. And maybe one of the loud pot smoking guys I passed on the sidewalk last night has a crush on me (weed does strange things to some people), but somehow I doubt it. Does anyone ever click on such ridiculous ads? Even their target audience--teenagers--are probably savvy enough to recognize such obvious BS. But then I can't understand how spammers make any money, but they must. Apparently H.L. Mencken was right--No one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American people. *Sigh*

Shopping in Absurdia: Holiday Edition

So I was slogging through Target today, along with what seemed like most of the population of greater Portland, trying to finish my Christmas shopping before it starts snowing. I was loitering in the electronics department, waiting for my husband to stop being mesmerized by the DVDs, when I noticed an adorable little girl. She was probably about 5 years old, blonde hair, blue eyes, pink jacket, fluffy white hat... the very image of little girliness. Then she looks at her dad, reaches toward the shelf of DVDs, and says, "How about this zombie movie?"

It was all I could do to make it to the next aisle over before howling with laughter.

I'm a hopeless Harry Potter nerd

OK, so I'm listening to the Harry Potter audiobooks for what must be the gazillionth time, and I noticed an inconsistency (yes, there are a number of inconsistencies in the series, but I'd never noticed this one before). In Chamber of Secrets, Ginny's eyes are described as green (last track of disk 1 at about 1:10 if you want to check for yourself), while in Deathly Hallows they're described as brown (when Harry notices that Mrs. Weasley's eyes are the same shade of brown as Ginny's).

Yes, I am a nerd. Yes, I need to get a life. But if I could only learn to use the Imperious Curse on my co-workers, my work days would be so much more fun.

Shopping in Absurdia: Hardware and Halloween Edition

I took my cameraphone shopping again, so you might want to log off right now.

OK, don't say I didn't warn you. This time we're going to visit Ace Hardware and Spirit Halloween. First up: My new favorite toy that I can't afford: a life-size animatronic Jason!

I think he'd look great on our front porch, menacing door-to-door salesmen with his bloody machete. Then, when Halloween is over, we could decorate him for other holidays. Just imagine: Jason with a Santa hat, Jason with red silk boxers and a heart-shaped box of candy, Jason with a leprechaun hat, Jason with bunny ears, Jason with an Uncle Sam top hat... how awesome would that be? If we wanted to be really warped, we could dress him in an evening gown and have transvestite Jason! I'd be seriously tempted to do all that, but I'm not sure his electrical innards would stand up to a Portland winter. I suppose I could move back to California. I hear there are some great deals on real estate down there.

As if transvestite Jason weren't ridiculous enough, we're going to cruise by Ace Hardware now to take a look at a product they're featuring by the checkstand:


Yes, someone is actually marketing a product called Anti Monkey Butt Powder. I didn't realize there was a medical condition called Monkey Butt. I wonder what the ICD-10 code is for that? And will my health insurance cover the treatments?

Monkey butts and deer anuses... I can't wait to see what kinds of hits I get on this blog now.

Deer anus update

Yep, here we go with the deer anuses again! A couple posts ago I mentioned a product called "Butt Out," a handy tool designed to remove a deer anus in just a few seconds. At the time I contemplated who might stumble across my post by Googling "deer anus," so this evening I mustered up the courage to Google "deer anus" myself to see how my post ranked in the results. Check this out!


(click to see a larger version on Flickr)

My humble post is the third result! I'm just bursting with pride. Who would have guessed that deer anuses would be my ticket to internet success?

When I wrote that post, I also wondered what kind of ads Google Adwords would display alongside it. Here's the answer:


The hunting-related ads make perfect sense, but what's up with the laser eye surgery ad on the right? Are there a lot of nearsighted hunters out there? That's a scary thought! If you're nearsighted enough to pay someone to laser your cornea, you probably don't need to be using firearms or crossbows. I'm just sayin'...

Bring on the psychosis...

Every now and then, a line will strike me for some reason. This week I've encountered 2:

From a comment on a Salon article about Sarah Palin:

"I have an uncomfortable relationship with reality right now."

I think I've had an uncomfortable relationship with reality for most of my life. That sentence really needs to be on a t-shirt.

Then there was J's line from an email earlier this week, referring to "a healthy dose of psychotic." I guess that's what I need when my relationship with reality becomes too uncomfortable. Pass the psychosis, please...

Shopping in Absurdia: Outdoors Edition

So I ventured into Wal-Mart today (save the lectures--I'm not a big fan either, but it was our most convenient option today). Every time we get near Wally World, Hubby marches off to the sporting goods department to check the price on ammo. It's really pointless, because Wal-Mart never staffs the sporting goods department, so there's no one to unlock the ammo cabinet. We stand around for about 10 minutes while several employees take turns paging for help in sporting goods, then we give up and leave. But I digress...

So I'm wandering around the sporting goods department, killing time until Hubby decides it's time to leave, when I spot this product on the shelf:

No, this picture has not been photoshopped or altered in any way. This is a real product. Now I've never been hunting (the need for products like this has a lot to do with why I've never been hunting... cleaning fish was obnoxious enough), so maybe I just don't get it, but is removing a deer anus really that big of a problem? (OK, I don't even want to know what kind of person is going to stumble across this post by searching for "deer anus" in Google... Hey! Maybe it'll be the first result, and my hit count will skyrocket! And I really can't wait to see what kinds of ads Google Adwords puts up next to this post. But once again I digress). Now, where was I? Oh, yeah... deer anuses. I would love to know who developed this product and what inspired him (oh, c'mon... you know it had to be a guy). And how did he explain the project to his wife?

Budding Edison: Hey, honey! I have this great idea for a new product! It'll look kinda like a corkscrew, and it will let me pop out a deer's anus in just a few seconds. Isn't that cool?
Mrs. Edison: Put down the deer rifle. You need psychiatric help.

After our intrepid but lazy hunter has washed the deer entrails off his hands and is back in camp, relaxing around the fire, he can put this next product to use:

Funny, but when I picture hunters gathered around the campfire, I imagine them drinking beer or passing around a flask of Jack Daniels. I do not imagine them whipping up some 'ritas with a rechargable, portable blender. Is this a campsite or a dorm room? But then if these were real men, they wouldn't need a special gadget to remove a deer anus, would they?

Hmm... I wonder if I can work the phrase "deer anus" into this post one more time. Nah... that would just be gratuitous.

They could be talking about ours!

Seen near my son's school last night:



That could refer to some pedestrians I've encountered recently too.

Are you sure about that?

Today in the cafeteria, I saw a guy with a t-shirt reading, "It's my lucky day!" He was bent over, picking up his spilled onion rings off the floor.

The times they are a changin'?

Parked outside my motel room in Boardman, OR: a huge pickup truck with Texas plates... and a wind energy sticker on the back window.

Its owner is probably here in connection with the wind farm just downriver from here, but... Texas? Big pickup truck? And wind power?????

Spam subject line of the day

Spam subject line of the day

Today's funny spam subject line is...

Reach out and bone someone

Hmm... How far out is the recipient supposed to reach? I'm kinda lazy, and my arms aren't all that long. Maybe I should try some stretching exercises, expand the pool of possibilities an extra couple inches.

Thinking outside the box

These aren't your usual Monopoly tokens, but then we aren't your usual family. Other people use the tokens that come with the game, but not us. Here are our tokens at the beginning of the Great New Year's Eve Monopoly Tournament:


Hubby had Davy Crocket (the brown thing), Son had the toy soldier, Corbin the little pewter wizard, and I'm sure I don't have to tell you which one was mine.

Weird? Nope--we just think outside the box!

Your word of the day is: zarf

The latest craze in the Crum household is Scrabble. It all started when one of my friends challenged me to a game of Scrabulous on Facebook. That reminded me of how much I liked Scrabble, so I downloaded a Scrabble game for my Mac and also found my old board game and taught my son to play. Being the hyper-competitive person that I am, I started looking for Scrabble word lists online, including this one. I was combing through the "z" words just now and found one I'd never heard of, which brings me to our word of the day:

zarf (n): " A chalicelike holder for a hot coffee cup, typically made of ornamented metal, used in the Middle East." -- from dictionary.com

I want y'all to practice using that in a sentence. There will be a test on Monday.

Overheard in a Portland Halloween store...

[Customer, standing next to table full of sundry fake body parts]: Do you have any arms that aren't bloody?

Where are the vampires when you need 'em?

Spam for dumb people

Today's funny spam subject line:

Not for oversmart people

All together now: Duh!

You're never too young...

While shopping for Halloween costume accessories today, i ran across this gem of a product, the Little Vampire Pacifier:


Words fail me.

Attack of the killer cookie

I was bored in Blockbuster today, waiting for my husband to choose a movie. He is incapable of choosing one without carefully exploring every aisle in the store at least twice, so I had a bit of time to kill. That was how I learned that video stores can be really entertaining. Next time you're waiting for your movie-obsessed spouse to FIND A DAMN MOVIE ALREADY, try the horror section for some comic relief. Skip the well-known flicks though; you aren't looking for something to actually watch. Instead, check out the awful-sounding, straight-to-video B-movies. Today's winner in the "You've got to be kidding" category is a comedy-horror flick called The Gingerdead Man. Yes. Really. Someone made a horror flick about a killer cookie. And it stars Gary Busey. I'm thinking he either lost a bet or was really desperate for money.

I haven't seen this masterpiece, but I nearly rolled on the floor laughing while reading the blurb on the back of the case. And just like Dave Barry, I'm not making this up.

In a quiet, small-town diner a deranged patron, Millard Findlemeyer (Gary Busey), opens fire on the Leigh family, killing all but the daughter, Sarah Leigh (Robin Sydney). During the trial, Sara's testimony sends Millard to the electric chair and his ashes are sent to his mother. In a vow of revenge, Millard's mother mixes her son's ashes with a secret gingerbread cookie mix, which makes its way into Sarah Leigh's bakery. When one of the bakery employees, Brick Fields (Jonathan Chase) cuts his arm and accidentally bleeds into the mixture, an old curse spawns a deadly 12' walking, talking, killing gingerbread cookie and wreaks havoc on anything standing in his way!

I might have to watch this thing just out of morbid curiosity.

Parenting randomness

Last night, as we were all getting ready for bed, my son asked me, "Mom, were you ever a stripper?"

Huh????? I don't even want to know what inspired that question. And if any of you out there are wondering, the answer is, No.

Today's Meme: Things Everyone Likes (Except Me)

One of my friends on LiveJournal posted on this meme a couple months ago, and it seemed like a great excuse to rant a little. Here we go:

Things I don't like that everyone else likes . . . on TV:

• Reality shows -- all of 'em. I watch TV to escape reality. Besides, there's nothing real about these things. They're contrived nonsense that has proliferated because a) they're cheap to make, and b) we are a nation of voyeurs. Blech.
  
• Soap operas: Can't stand 'em. The last soap I watched was Dynasty back in the 80s. Joan Collins rocked.
  
• All Star Trek shows after Next Generation. I've tried to get into Voyager--I gave it a whole season. But I was bored. DS9? I gave it one episode. *yawn*. Enterprise? No soul.
  

Things I don't like that everyone else likes . . . on the radio:

• Queensryche: My music-loving friends love these guys, the critics love these guys... but I don't. Geoff Tate's voice annoys me, and they seem a little pretentious. But then what do you expect from a band from Bellevue?
  
• Hip hop: I could go off on a rant about misogyny and materialism, but I can overlook that. I just find that most hip hop lacks melody and is incredibly irritating. Yes, I realize that means I'm old. So be it.
  
• Prairie Home Companion: I like Garrison Keillor (heck, I even blogged about him once), but I just can't get into PHC. *yawn*
  
• Talk radio: I used to listen to a little of the liberal stuff on Air America, but even that annoyed me. It's just too negative, not to mention full of lies and deliberate exaggerations. When there's so much at stake, these shows just whip up people's emotions, ensuring they'll vote without engaging their brains. Plus, who wants to be angry all the time?
  
• Howard Stern: No, it isn't his crudeness (I'm pretty crude myself), and I usually appreciate guy humor. It's his ego. It's all about him, and he never lets you forget it.
  

Things I don't like that everyone else likes . . . actors/movies:

• Gladiator - good acting, good story... but horribly depressing. I was bummed for about 2 weeks afterward. I'll stay in my happy place, thanks.
  
• Nearly every movie nominated for an Academy Award. I think I must have a stray bit of Y chromosome somewhere, because I like movies with car chases, explosions, or laser blasts. Yes, they need plots and passable acting, but mostly they need action. I have the attention span of a hummingbird... Entertain me!
  
• Chick flicks: See my previous comment about the stray Y chromosome. I've seen some romantic comedies I like (and I'm a big ol' sap who needs half a box of Kleenex to get through one), but in general they aren't my thing. Maybe it's because I don't like to cry over some fictional person's love life (or my own, for that matter). Maybe it's because too many of the women in these movies irritate me ("Tell him to piss off, then sleep with his best friend! Sheesh, girl, grow a backbone."). Or maybe it's because they don't have enough car chases and explosions.
  
• Ben Affleck: Sorry, but he does nothing for me--too bland. Matt Damon, on the other hand, is welcome in my... uh... *house* anytime ;-)
  

Things I don't like that everyone else likes . . . when it comes to people:

This is a tough one, because I'm pretty tolerant and usually find people's quirks fascinating.

• Pretension: Not sure if everyone else likes it, but there sure is a lot of it, and pretentious people seem pretty popular. So you see art house films and go to poetry slams at the local coffee house? Good for you. I dig in the dirt and schedule my vacations around Def Leppard's tour schedule. Get over it. [And yes, I realize that many nice, non-pretentious people go to art films and poetry slams. But the ones who tell me about it while sniffing disdainfully at my entertainment choices are the ones who irritate me.]
  
• Parents whose lives revolve around their children: I'm a parent. I love my son, and he's the single most important person in my life. But I have other interests and do other things, and I don't raise him to think he's the center of the universe. News flash: You don't have to schedule every minute of your child's time (how many soccer games and dance lessons does one kid need, anyway?). And you don't have to spend every minute of your free time doing stuff with and for your child. When you do that, you just teach your child to be high-maintenance, expecting to be entertained constantly. Oh, and your child probably needs (and wants) his/her own space once in awhile--private time, away from the prying eyes of Mom and Dad, time to daydream, draw, write, imagine, think... you know, the stuff kids did before soccer leagues, taekwondo tournaments, gymnastics, and all those other structured, scheduled activities.
  

More randomness

Best quote from the book my son brought home:

Monsters don't apologize.

So there.