Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Notice of Revocation of Independence

I'm still combing through my e-mail archives at work, in preparation for our migration to Outlook, and I found another goodie to share. My mother used to have a pen pal in Scotland. After the 2000 election, Mom's pen pal forwarded the following bit of British humor. I responded with the text in blue below each item, which started an interesting exchange with the pen pal, who wanted me to define Little Debbies and Piggly-Wiggly, among other things. Anyhoo, I don't know if anyone else will find this funny, but I thought it was a riot. Let's hope the 2008 election doesn't prompt anything similar.


To the residents of the United States of America,

In view of your abject failure to elect a President and thus to govern yourselves, We give hereby Notice of the Revocation of your independence, effective today at Five O'Clock Greenwich Mean Time.

They forgot to tell us to look up Greenwich--and to learn it's proper pronunciation so we don't all run around calling it green-witch.

Her Britannic Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume sovereign duties forthwith over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Florida, which Shall be returned to His Illustrious Catholic Majesty, King Juan Carlos of Spain. Your new Prime Minister (The Rt Hon Tony Blair, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will suggest to Her Majesty a Governor-General for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

The CSPAN junkies will be crushed, and the rest of us won't have anything to complain about. Oh, wait--there's always British food ;-)

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed.

Fair enough as long as I don't have to punctuate every third sentence with "bloody" or "ruddy".

2. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that difficult.
True, but please tell me we don't have to distinguish London from Yorkshire from Cockney from... If you'll get rid of your regional dialects, we'll try to do something about the New Yorkers and the Southerners.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast British actors as the good guys.
Hey, Vanessa in Austin Powers was a good guy... er, girl.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour). We are hoping to get together at least an American rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in the British Empire. It will be called Indecisive Day.
Can we still blow things up? Americans don't care when their holidays are or what they commemorate, as long as we a) get the day off from work, and b) get to play with explosives.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
What makes you think he's dead? Buford R. Johnson of West Podunk, Alabama, saw him at a Piggly-Wiggly last weekend! He and Elvis were stocking up on pork rinds and Little Debbies.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Welcome Back.

Now for a few conditions before we reunite:

1. American food shall be the dominant cuisine, at least here in "the colonies". Actually, you should consider adopting American dietary habits throughout the British Empire; even pork rinds and Little Debbies are better than blood pudding and kidney pie!

2. George W. Bush must never be allowed to run for national office.

3. Please give Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi, Arkansas, Louisiana, and Texas to Spain along with Florida. You can throw in New York, too.

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